Beastie Boys vs. Beck

"Hey Fuck You" by Beastie Boys, from To The 5 Boroughs (2004)
First of all, the name of the track is 'Hey Fuck You.' Second of all, MCA gets his yid on immediately, dropping 'schnooks' into the song's first line. Third of all, it's the Beastie Boys. Get your middle fingers ready and sing-along.

"New Pollution" by Beck, from Odelay (1996)
I think Beck is a genius. This song, from the second album in which he emerged from one-hit 'loser' status and began to weave a tapestry of adventurous, swirling albums. Beck explores all avenues musically, which is why his songs are such a treat to listen to. This one rides a pounding snare and bass sample colluded by mechanical pops and whirs and Beck's dusty vocals. It's genius.

THE WINNER: Hey, fuck you Beasties, Beck wins this one.

Mocean Worker vs. David Gray

"Shamma Lamma Ding Dong" by Mocean Worker, from Enter the Mowo (2004)
An off the charts mixture of sampled flute from Rahsaan Roland Kirk and live instrumentation blended together with some wicked smooth drum & bass. You have to move if this comes on. It's impossible not to. Oh, and there's no do-wop on this cut.

"L's Song" by David Gray, from The EP's 92-94 (2001)
Funny, even the songs he recorded more than a decade a go sound exactly the same. Pleasant dreck, good for a rainy day... if you want to kill yourself.

THE WINNER: Simply naming the album 'Enter the Mowo' won Mocean this battle.

First Choice vs. Thelonious Monk

"Newsy Neighbors" by First Choice, from Armed and Extremely Dangerous (1973)
This cut from the middle of the disco frenzy, delves into the complexities of asking for too many cups of sugar. Say what you will, this thing makes you want to dance. Driving rhythms, sizzling vocals, a coupla bongo breakouts, and the line: 'tell you what you can and can't afford, instead of getting a Caddy, they say get a Ford.' 70s Philadelphia Soul at it's very best.

"Humph" by Thelonious Monk, from Round Midnight (1963)
Another rollicking number from the genius Monk, anything from this man could contend. Not sure of the initial recording date on this number, or even if this is an original composition. I'd much rather sit back and enjoy the hell out of some pounding, teasing, jump jazz from a master of the craft, then do the research to find out. I just know I like it.

THE WINNER: Whew, jazz genius versus silky 70s soul. Much respect, but First Choice comes in second here, no matter how many favors they asking for. It is, after all, Monk.

The Shins vs. BoDeans

"Gone for Good" by The Shins, from Chutes Too Narrow (2003)
I'm not over The Shins, don't think I ever will be. Some bands, you just know you're going to always enjoy listening to. Even Natalie Portman's public outing hasn't ruined it for me. Of course I thought I'd love Dave Matthews forever too. *sigh* Despite that, I wait in anxious anticipation for the next album. This track, from the New Mexico collective's second album, whispers of country and folk and features, as always, infectious vocals from Jim Mercer. Not even close to the strongest track on this album, you still can't really go wrong with the formula.

"Good Things" by BoDeans, from On the Mountain, volume 1 (1992)
As much as it pains me to say, I can't claim to be a diehard BoDeans fan... Apologies to any raging BoDeaniacs out there... (do they have those?). What I am a fan of however is this series of discs from radio station KMTT in Seattle. Remember radio? Regular, commercial radio? That's what this is. For more than a decade, the station has put out annual collections of live, in-studio recordings featuring a wide sampling of artists. To be frank, I think this song sucks. But it was the first track on the first volume of an impressive catalog of music. Points for that.

THE WINNER: My love of a radio station can only go so far, it's still the BoDeans. Shins in a walk.

Hot Chocolate vs. The Bee Gees

"Emma" by Hot Chocolate, from Every 1's a Winner (1978)
Where to begin? An enthusiastic, heartwarming tale of a girl named Emma. The power of UK international funk packaged in a breathing, crooning Benneton ad. A touch of strings, a vibrating bass line and haunting backing vox. Shit's good, 'specially since it's so cheesy. 'We're gonna write her name high on that silver screen. We're gonna make her the biggest star this world has ever seen.'

"How Deep is Your Love" by The Bee Gees, from Saturday Night Fever (1977)
Ok, who turned my iTunes over to the AM Gold people? I can't honestly get enthused about this song. As much as I enjoy the sheer oddity that is the Gibb falsetto, I've still got Emma's bassline thumping its way through my subconscious.

THE WINNER: Why it's Hot Chocolate, you sexy thing. No marshmallows necessary.

Coldplay vs. The Pointer Sisters

"Green Eyes" by Coldplay, from A Rush of Blood to the Head (2002)
I'm so sick of Coldplay. Really, I am. And I have a feeling this song was written for Gwyneth, which kind of makes me gag. And yet, I find myself singing along anyway. Damn you Coldplay.

"Fire" by The Pointer Sisters, from Energy (1979)
Oh hot damn. This song is tough to beat, I don't care what you say. I dare you to listen to this song and not crack a smile, not bob your head and not sing a long to the lyric 'Romeo and Juliet, Samson and Delilah...' Also, catch Robin Williams doing this song as Elmer Fudd. Less harmony, more looney tunes.

WINNER: Sorry lads, your simple-minded pop stylings have no chance against the juggernaut that is The Pointer Sisters. Go on everybody, do the Neutron Dance. Just a little. For me. Please?

What do you think?

Oysterhead vs. Chris Isaak

"Oz is Ever Floating" by Oysterhead, from The Grand Pecking Order (2001)
Even the idea of fusing Trey Anastasio, Les Claypool and Steward Copeland together makes me high. This song, from the one-shot album by the Police/Primus/Phish Phusion, is like eating a box of roaches and washing them down with a swig of bong water. Although not a huge fan of the album from this experimental tripling, this track features all the fuzzy bass, guitar noodling and high hat you'd want. And it only costs me 2 minutes and 41 seconds of my life, bonus!

"Two Hearts" by Chris Isaak, from Baja Sessions (1996)
A sweet, sappy, beach blanket bingo love song from a high-class Elvis impersonator. Sounds like sunshine. Will get you beat up if you play it at a tailgate party though. A previous, less jaunty more haunty version appeared on '93s San Francisco Days.

WINNER: As appealing as dusty roaches and dirty bong water sounds, Two Hearts sounds like the fucking beach man. How can you go wrong with that? Unless you're at a tailgate party. In that case, just make it easy on yourself and play some AC/DC.

What do you think?